Breaking free, finding her voice in art / Koz
This interview was with Koz. She transforms everyday objects, such as papers with children's doodles, into art pieces. Instead of following conventional art education, she continues to express the creativity within herself. What kind of world does she see? Here’s what she shared with us.
-Koz, you suddenly started sharing your work on social media from 2022. What inspired you to start creating art?
Koz: I was originally diagnosed with ADHD and struggled with depression in my twenties. I had always been interested in expressing myself since I was young, but I never went to art school or pursued a career in art. I got married and was a typical housewife until recently. I didn’t even use social media.
I enjoyed drawing from a young age and always had a desire to express myself. I imagined creating many works in my mind, wondering if I could depict this or that.
However, my parents would often tell me that the "unconventional" paintings I made were "embarrassing" or "weird." Because of that, I had a strong resistance to expressing myself and felt like it was wrong.
After getting married and moving away from my parents, I started feeling more and more uneasy about the conventional views my parents had imposed on me. To put it dramatically, it felt like I was waking up from a kind of brainwashing.
At one point, I thought, "I can’t not paint anymore!" It felt like something had been bubbling up inside me, and the passion I had suppressed for so long exploded.
So I decided, "Let’s just do it," and started painting and posting on Instagram.
-It sounds like your desire to express yourself exploded. You mentioned that your parents considered your work "weird." What kind of drawings did you make as a child?
Koz:
One thing I remember clearly is my very first painting assignment in elementary school, which was to create an "imaginary fish."
I enjoyed applying colors and drawing itself rather than focusing on what I wanted to draw. So, I just wanted to cover the drawing paper with paint and ended up creating a messy fish painting. The result was a chaotic mess.
The teacher chose my painting, and it was displayed at the Tokyo Metropolitan Art Museum and won an award.
There was another child who also won, and their painting was a "proper" fish that was easily recognizable as a fish.
Even though my parents always disapproved of my messy paintings, they kept that fish painting on display at home. It was quite puzzling.
-You've mentioned "proper" and "unclear" paintings. How does the complex you had about not being "proper" play a role in your journey of expression?
Koz:
One of the characteristics of ADHD is a narrow field of view, even as an adult. While most people’s perspective broadens as they grow from childhood to adulthood, mine didn’t. When I’m focused, I can’t see anything else.
In Japan, there's a strong emphasis on being a "model student," being "proper," and being able to do what everyone else does. In that environment, I felt a constant complex about not being able to do things the same way as everyone else.
My parents, as mentioned earlier, always denied and labeled me as "weird," and at school, when I drew abstract pictures, teachers would tell me to draw something more understandable.
Although I won an award for the fish painting I did in elementary school, I felt a complex mix of joy from being praised by my parents and teachers for something that wasn’t "proper," and a sense of discomfort.
As an adult, I started visiting libraries for relaxation. Reading many art books made me realize that there are truly diverse forms of expression in the world.
I began to think, "Why should I be the only one not allowed to express myself? Isn’t art about freedom?"
The complex I had been carrying since childhood continued to swirl within me for decades. When it finally exploded, I felt a kind of liberation, as if I had thrown open the door to expressing my unique self.
Understanding that I had always seen the world differently from others and that I continue to see it that way even as an adult helped me accept it as a gift rather than a flaw.
The feelings I had suppressed overflowed, and now the drive to "draw freely like a child" seems to move me forward.
-Your works often feature fish. Is there a connection between the fish you paint and the prize-winning painting from elementary school?
Koz:
For some reason, my parents, who always disapproved of my work, kept the fish painting on display at home.
I hated the idea of not being "proper," and even when I tried to take the painting down, they would always put it back up.
For me, "fish" might symbolize frustration. It represents the contrast between not meeting others' expectations of being "proper," the joy and discomfort of being praised for something unconventional, and my rebellious spirit.
I love applying colors and scribbling freely, so what I paint might seem indecipherable to others. Now, I understand that it’s considered "abstract art," but the fish, which is recognizable to others, can be seen as a last escape from abstract art.
-It does seem like a final connection.
Koz:
It might be.
When I decided to start my art activity, I wanted something that would make my work recognizable to anyone who saw it. I wanted to draw something fluffy and round, so it took the shape of "that fish." I also like that it has a character-like quality. It’s the only "recognizable" element in my work.
-What feelings do you put into your work?
Koz:
I don’t draw on blank paper. I find it wasteful to throw away papers with children’s doodles, so I use those as my canvas or draw on the back of flyers, choosing everyday materials to create my art.
For example, in my recent paintings, I draw with a ballpoint pen on paper with children’s doodles, then trace it from the back and add water and iron it.
The reason I started this method is that one day, coffee spilled on the paper I was drawing with a ballpoint pen, and the ink smeared. I found it interesting and wanted to explore it more.
I don’t consciously think about it, but the paper and methods I choose reflect my feelings at the time.
I draw in the living room, using ballpoint pens on the table and crayons used by my children. If water drops from the table get on the paper, they become part of the artwork. It feels like I’m scribbling out the overflow of my sensitivity in everyday life.
I think about various things and feel different emotions while drawing and then consider the title at the end. Sometimes I’ve tried to give it meaning, but I decided that overthinking it wasn’t quite right and stopped.
Since I draw based on my feelings at the time, I hope viewers can see and feel it in their own way.
-What kind of works would you like to create in the future?
Koz:
There are actually many things I want to try. Currently, I’m limited to drawing in the living room using papers with children’s doodles, but I hope to create three-dimensional art pieces in the future and collaborate with others on art events.
It would also be fun to collect papers with children’s doodles from many people and transform them into artworks.
Since I create art in this way, a new method of expression might come up by chance. But I think I’ll continue to paint the fish, which is my symbol.
■Works
"Fall to Winter"
"Japanese Festival"
"Sansevieria"
■Exhibition History
- June 2023 M.A.D.S Art Gallery [CENSORED] Milan, Italy Fuerteventura, Canary Islands, Spain Metaverse
- November 2023 - January 2024 『見上げると七つの雪』at Art Gallery in Hotel Grand Mer SANKAISO
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